Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
