I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
