My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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