K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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