I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
