a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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