I accidentally had phone sex last night
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
