Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
