i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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