My liver just broke up with me...
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
