i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
