She went from zero to smokin in five shots
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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