The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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