new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
