Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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