i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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