I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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