I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
