His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They took my balls.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
