My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
