I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
