R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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