Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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