And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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