I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
