i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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