i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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