So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
