I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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