my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
