all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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