I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
being pregnant is like rehab
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
