her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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