Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
