if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
