The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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