Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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