i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
