That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
