Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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