I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
