Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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