Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There's a naked man in my car right now.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
