I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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