I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
