can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
