so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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