I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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