I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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