first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
