WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
