i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
did i walk over a car last night?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
