I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
