I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
