My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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