you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
