Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
