I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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