I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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