Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
