Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
