My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
